This one goes out to probably one of my best friends in the entire damn world.  She’s been with me through thick and thin, and honestly there’s nothing more I could ever want from a friend.  Today’s her birthday, and even though we’re several states apart, that doesn’t mean I can’t bake her something Lunar style.

This one goes out to my big mama Ran-sama.  Your little Chen always has your back.

First step: Lay out dat bacon like Stalin is laid in state.

We’ve replaced Stalin’s corpse in Moscow with bacon.  Let’s see if the Russians care.

Next get yourself some sauce.  It can be any sauce you want.  BBQ works particularly well.  I could show you what went into this homemade sauce, but I’m sure the picture of it would gross out a lot of people and make people question my culinary skills more so than they already do.

Here’s a hint though.  Sweet Thai Chilli, Peaches, Captain Morgan’s Personal Stock, and Bacon Grease.

Next up we’re gonna caramelize some onions.  This is actually a super easy process, but it takes forever.

First of all slice up some white onions and throw them in a pan with some sugar and oil.  You don’t really need the sugar, but I feel as if it speeds up the process and ends with a sweeter oil.  For carmelized onions you can slice them however you want, but generally you want bigger slices for reasons I’ll discuss later.

Now comes the hard part.  Set your burner to a medium low heat and let it simmer.  For me it took over two hours for it to reach the right color and taste, so feel free to do something else while they cook.  You only want to stir every so often.  The trick is to let the onions brown without burning.  Just check in on it every few minutes.  You’ll know when to stir.

If your onions start becoming this weird soupy mixture about an hour in just drain the liquid.  Nothing too complicated.

Now I know you’re wondering why I decided to make so much?  I mean it’s hard to tell but that is a huge pan and I put like four massive onions in it.

Well…

That’s what I was left with after everything was said and done.  All those onions gave me like two cups of caramelized onions.  Luckily you don’t need that much, and this should last you awhile.

Anyway.  Let’s assemble a birthday burger suitable for the most bro of bros.

Step one: Burger with pepperjack cheese.  Basic, but suitable.

Step Two: Double down on the burger.  Double down on the fun.

Step Three: Bacon on deck like dem stacks on deck

Step Four: This ain’t no liver and onions son.  What do you think this is?  An episode of Doug?

Step Five: I know I’m going deep here for this one but hear me out.  This right here is some super secret next level sandwich technology.  Throw some potato chips on it.  It gives it an extra crunch which helps add an extra layer to the texture and the flavor it adds is pretty legit.

Also throw your sauce on there and you’re done.

Step Six: Enjoy.  A basic, no thrills burger that’s simplicity is only matched by it’s brutal all out assault on your mouth.

Happy birthday Soul Sister.  You mean the world to me.

HOO RAH!

What up homeslices.  I’m Andrew, Shane’s soon-to-be-roommate and cuddle buddy.  And you know what else I’m looking forward to doing with this cocksucker once he gets here in a week?  That’s right, assholes, COOKING.

Now, Shane will tell you that I’m a god-damned pussy because I usually cook shit with green ingredients and sometimes even cook vegetarian dishes and healthy crap like that.  And I admit that it’s true.  I even love lima beans and brussels sprouts.  But you know what I say to that, Shane?  First off, fuck you; pussies are not weak and I consider calling someone a “pussy” to be a compliment because vaginas are badass and tough.  Secondly, aight.  Because I love you, here’s a recipe just for you.  A recipe that is 10000% saturated fat.  A recipe I call…AMERICUPS.

ASSEMBLE THE INGREDIENTS!

• 1 can of those big pillsbury biscuits, you know the heat-and-serve dough
• 3/4 lb ground beef
• 3/4 cup barbecue sauce (sweet baby ray’s is ace)
• 3/4 shredded sharp cheddar cheese

God.  Aren’t you hard with anticipation already? 

So the first thing you’ve gotta do is brown that big chunk of meat in a frying pan.  You can add minced onions and shit too if you want because onions are badass.  They’re so badass, they make you CRY.

Next, add the SAUCE and simmer for a li’l while.

Now here’s the fun.  Open up the can of biscuit dough, grease a muffin tin, and SHOVE that dough into the muffin cups, making a bowl/cup of biscuit dough.  WHOA.

God DAMN.  Now scoop the beef mixture into the dough cups, motherfucker.

UGNNH.  Now for the final ingredient: top ‘em with GOBS OF CHEESE.

Now bake at 400 degrees for about 13 minutes.  FUCK YEAH.

SHOVE THESE IN YOUR FACE HOLE

They’re the perfect representation of AMERICA: hardy, insidiously delicious, but decadent and uncomfortably dangerous. 

EAT THEM

Alright.  Normally this blog is filled with stuff like me making a ham sandwhich with like two pounds of meat, five pounds of bacon, and an entire block of velveeta.  Nothing wrong with that.  Simple yest profound is the best way to cook.  However I want to scale it back for this one entry.  I want to sit down and have a heart to heart talk to you guys about the greatest thing in cooking since bacon.

I got three words for you.

Sweet Thai Chilli.

Like I shit you not I heard some good things about this stuff so I figured I’d try it for myself.  I checked my local grocery stores, but none of them seem to have it so I decided to ask my mom.

“Yo mom where in the world could I get some sweet thai chilli?”

“Have you tried the asian food store?”

“We have an asian food store?”

So one trip later I had my Sweet Thai Chilli.  Like seriously guys if you ever have a chance go to a your friendly local Asian food store.  It is a good thing I only had $5 on me because otherwise I probably would have spent all my money.  And I’m not talking about stupid pocky shit either.  We’re talking like all these weird sauces with strange names and like all these peppers and holy shit it’s like christmas came early.

But anyway I realized something as I was inspecting this bottle.

It’s fucking badass.

First of all this thing is fucking huge.  For reference?  That’s a gallon tea jug.  Holy shit.

I can’t read Bushido or whatever the hell this is, but I would like to imagine that it says “Nectar of the gods”

Did you know there was a Central Islamic Comittee of Thailand?  Did you know that they gave this thing their stamp of approval?  Now you do.

I have no idea who this guy is, but he looks swag as hell and it has his signature of approval.

Could you imagine if Obama gave out awards for our exports. Like if Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce got some award for being a damn good BBQ sauce?  WAKE UP AMERICA!

What?  You thought this shit was only for chicken?  Get bent son. 

Also what the hell is a cockle shell?

Anyway I know some of you come here for recipes and shit, and I was eager to give this thing a try and this is what I got.

1/3rd Cup of Mayo

1 Tbsp. Sweet Thai Chilli.

Shit is so good.  Figure I would try it out so I threw it on a sandwhich.

Ham and cheese.  Super basic.  Super good.

Also mad shout outs to Artistokrat Vodka for keeping me drunk on the cheap.

Hoo rah!

Ah yes.  Sushi.  A Japanese delicacy enjoyed around the world.  It’s extraordinarily popular, and some would say that only a true cretin would not enjoy it.  You know what I say?

Pump that garbage in another man’s face!  Seaweed as the outter wrapping?  If I wanted seaweed I would go down to the ocean and stand in the water with my mouth open.  Which I wouldn’t.  Because it’s stupid to eat seaweed.  Rice as the bulk?  Who eats rice anyway?  Weaboos who can’t stop espousing the virtues of glorious Nippon.  Raw fish in the center?  Didn’t your mama ever tell you not to eat raw meat?  What a horrible idea for a food.

Well never fear.  Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto, because you’re cooking with Lunar now!

Rev up that grill, because I am hungry for some meat!  Ain’t no raw fish junk in this dish!

Awh yeah.  All dat meat.  Also notice the god tier blue powerade in the background.  So good.

Fun fact: Bacon is my waifu.

I don’t have a problem with bacon.  Bacon has a problem with me.  We’ll be using this instead of that nasty fish food known as sea weed.

Mac and cheese.  You know that when you’re cooking with lunar you don’t go for that homemade garbage.  You make it straight from the box no questions asked.

Now let’s assemble our meat sushi!

Bar-b-Que boneless spare ribs in the center for the standard affair.  My mouth is already watering.

For those of you who want a little more kick here’s some with buffalo chicken in the center.

There was supposed to be some here with jumalaya and sausage, but the bacon couldn’t hold out due how to the amazing the idea.  Pro tip:  If you want to do this yourself make sure to use extra bacon.

Now look at that.  Tell me that doesn’t look better than that weaboo junk I posted at the start.  This?  This is American.

Hoo rah!

Alright listen up.  I know we’ve all been there before.  11PM the night before payday.  There’s no bacon whatsoever.  No velveeta.  And there’s a distinct lack of BBQ sauce in the house.  As luck would happen there’s a bag of lettuce and a bottle of fat free honey mustard.

You are stuck in some sort of bizare version of the twilight zone where your house has become the seventh circle of food hell.

You abscond as fast as you can from the house.  You know where you can go for salvation.  A place that will save you from your suffering.  It’s name is a 24 Hour McDonalds.  You pull into the drive through and order the cornerstone of any midnight run.  The McDouble.  It slices.  It dices.  It kills.  You smile and pull out, quickly driving as back home as fast as you can.  This is it.  You’ve done it.  You are saved.

It’s created just for you. Two meat patties.  Pickles.  Ketchup.  Onions. It’s perfect.  It’s delicious.  It’s… It’s…

… it’s really, really tiny.  You paid a buck for this?  Is there even two patties on this thing?  What am I?  A child.  This is insulting.  This is an outrage!  This is unforgiveable!

You are about to toss it across the room, but an idea occurs to you.  Not satisfied with just one, you had originally ordered two.  There is still hope.  There is still a chance!

Ladies and Gentlemen.  I present for your eating pleasure the McQuad.

Hoo rah!

Numerous debates take place among the scholastic community as to how Attila got his nickname “The Scourge of God.”  One story is that the phrase was coined by a monk who considered Attila to be a tool which God was using to chastise the Roman Empire as a whole.

If Attila is the “Scourge of God”, then I am the “Scourge of Cooking.”  I have been sent here to chastise you weaker souls for your failing.  Cooking and eating isn’t about things like lettuce, carrots, and other such lesser forms of food.  It is not enough to eat meat.  Instead you must take the most mightiest of foods, and upon consuming it do you become mightier for it.  It is time to EAT like we have never EATEN before.

Assemble those ingredients!  You’re cooking some breakfast today.

Bacon.  The most important food group and the cornerstone of any good meal.  Don’t like bacon?  Get out of my kitchen.

Sausage.  Not quite bacon, but it is very delicious. 

Wrap those sausages up in bacon.  Seems a bit excessive?  You haven’t seen anything yet?

Oh yeah now we’re talking.  Pouring maple syrup over our bacon sausage?  Now I’m starting to get hungry.

Now this ain’t none of that stupid ‘real’ maple syrup that they get from trees.  Who even likes that stuff?  I’m using the high fructose corn syrup maple syrup for EXTRA DIABETIC POWER!

But somethings missing.  There’s some part of breakfast that I feel like I’m forgetting.  What could it be….

Oh yeah.  The pancakes.  How could I forget?

Now I know what you’re thinking.  I’m just going to make some pancakes, stick my bacon sausage between them, maybe add some more syrup, and call it a day.  Make some bacon sausage syrup pancake sandwich.

And that would be the reason why you’re not allowed in my kitchen.  It’s smart, but it’s not smart enough.

Time to take this to the next level.

Dip those bacon sausages into the batter and get ready…

Because we need to cook fast and ovens too slow!

DEEP FRY DEEP FRY DEEP FRY

AWH YEAH!  Now that’s what I’m talking about.

Stick a skewer in it and have yourself a delicious bacon sausage pancake corndog!

Any other man would stop at this point.  He would pat himself on the back, maybe clean up the kitchen, and enjoy the fruits of his labor.

I would tell that cretin to get on my level.

Next level bacon weave.  It’s been awhile since we’ve seen these, and I’m bringing them back for their world wide reunion tour.

Of course you know I’m on a crash course with diabetes, and I don’t want to stop.

STOP!  Music break.  Epic food needs epic music.

MOAR MEAT

MOAR SYRUP

Roll it up.  Dip it in the batter.

Two inches of the most delicious goodness that you can deep fry.

“He’s done now, right?  What else could he possibly make?  He’s gone too far this time.”

Only when you’ve made the best food ever do you have my permission to stop cooking.

This is it.  Time to start off the grand finale with a bacon sausage pancake.

Doesn’t that delicious?  It’s got so much bacon in it that there’s bacon just flying out the side.  How could it possibly get any better?

By making it a four inch thick monstrosity of a sandwich.

Hoo Rah!

In Plato’s great work The Republic, he talks about the definition of justice.  Part of the definition is rendering to others that which is due.  It is asked, what of food?  What is due unto food?  Plato responds by saying that seasoning is due unto food, and that is justice.

It is for that reason I consider myself not a cook, a chef, or any other sort of synonym that you please.  I am a judge of food, and I render unto it that which it is due.  My expert seasonings means that I am judge, jury, and executor.

Ladies and gentlemen, let us practice the art of justice together!

Are you ready to put some hair on your chest?  Do you need to clear out your sinuses?  Do ordinary buffalo wings not do it for you anymore?  Are you looking to spice up your love life?

Then boy do I have a recipe for you.

The base!  An extra hot hot sauce.  Cheap and in bulk is the way to go here if you don’t want to break the bank, and this one is as simple as it is spicy.

One drop.  One drop does it.  One drop is all you need.

Unless you’re me.  Then you use the whole bottle.

Lunar’s Word of the Day: X-TREME!

2 HOT 2 HANDLE

2 X-TREME 4 U

Can you say two pounds of Jalapenos?

Someone get The Count from Sesame Street in here.  This is too much for me to handle

Note that the seeds contain the maximum spice, so you want to add those as well.

Throw in some extra spices of your choice because why the hell not?

Now then.  Any moron with two brain cells can just add spices, but a true master can make a subtle, multifaceted experience that both excites and delights.  This is justice not insanity.  It’s time to separate the boys from the men!

Garlic adds a smooth alternate spice to the mix, and it helps me when I go out to hunt vampires.

SLICE AND DICE’D SON!

Limes add a tang that helps accentuate and increase the juiciness.

Now then.  Some people would throw in some wings and call it a day.  Super sissies would go with boneless wings.

But you’re not a sissy, are you?

Go big or go home.  That’s my motto.

Ladies and gentlemen, I suggest you get your soul right with God.  Because you’re staring into the abyss of hell, and you better believe that hell is staring right back up at you.

Cook them in a crockpot for a few hours on high.  It causes the meat to fall off the bone and is just so good.

Do you not want to go out and make this right now?  Then I have bad news for you, bro.

You are an idiot and you hate America

HOO RAH!

Have you ever had a tripple bypass surgery?  No?  Well you will when you’re cooking with Lunar!

Grind up some BBQ Potato Chips like you’re a skater wearing DC shoes in the hottest nightclub in New York City.  Here’s a hint.  Put the chips in a bowl and use the bottom of a cup.

Mash all that potato chip goodness into your ground beef.  Knead it like dough for maximum consistency.  We meat rich now!

One day I want to rip up my carpets and have it replaced by ground beef.  Some would say that is insane.  I say it’s delicious.

Bite seized delicious goodness?  Don’t mind if I do!

You ready to get those stacks on deck?  Call Soulja Boy.  I wanna schedule a guest appearance.

STACK ONE: BBQ Sauce.  I don’t have any of my peach BBQ sauce on hand, so I make do with some Sweet Baby Ray’s.  I love me some sauce, and the initial layer here helps me go the extra mile.

Bacon is second only to godliness when you cook with Lunar!

Chopped meat?  For those of you keep track back home, we have proximately five pounds of meat here.

Threw on an extra layer of chips.  I didn’t have this idea when I started out, but I cook loose and fast.  I figured this would help give my final product a little bit more crunch, and boy is it good.

Did you think I was going to be satisfied with only one layer of bacon? Well then you must be new here.

Sauce is actually my legal middle name believe it or not.

More meat!  Doing our stacks like this helps give each and every bite a consistency of greasy goodness that is absolutely unrivaled.

Now then.  If you think something is missing at this point, you would be correct.  But don’t worry.  I’d never do you wrong.  For you see…

The best is yet to come!

Roll it up and seal it like Cthulhu is all locked up in R’lyeh.

Overall?  Roughly eleven pounds of meat, cheese, and sauce.

Hoo Rah!

Something spontaneous?  Something cheesy?  Something with bacon?  Sounds like a recipe for delicious.  Sounds like you’re cooking with Lunar!

Step One!  Bacon weave?  Turn it into a bacon cup!

Step Two! Make that Nacho Cheese Dip.  Pictured: Velveeta, freshly chopped jalapenos, Texas Pete hot sauce, and chopped bacon.  That translucent liquid you see?  That’s the secret ingredient.  Go ahead.  Guess what it is.

Hint: It’s bacon grease.

Putting that bacon nacho dip into a bacon cup?  Why that’s double the bacon, and that’s an idea I can get behind.

This is what a heart attack looks like

Now if this was any other cooking tumblr blog thing, I would give you advice on what kind of chip you want to use when you dip.  Are you a sissy?  Use some ranch to chill out that spicy flavor.  You like things plain and simple?  Use the plain tortilla chips.  You like to go big or go home?  Use the big dips.  Are you a crazy mofo that does what he wants and to hell with the consequences?  You know you’re gonna be putting on the Ritz.

But when you cook with Lunar?  Do you think you do any of that?

Nope.

You do cheese shots.

Hoo rah!

Call your cardiologist and schedule an appointment. You’re cooking with Lunar now!

Number one rule of the kitchen! Safety first. Always make sure to sure proper protection. Always use proper safety gloves, eye protection, and apron when cooking. Can’t follow that rule? Get out of my kitchen.

Alright!  Now let’s see how many of you can count.  Put on your thinking caps because this is some heavy stuff.

Bam.  That’s right.  Five pounds of bacon right there.  I wasn’t kidding when I said this was heavy.

I’m bringing back cholesterol in a big way.

First step! Advance bacon weave formation. Maximizing your bacon per square inch potential.

No habla englais?  It’s okay.  In my kitchen we speak meat!

Fun fact: In WWII ordinary people were told to save bacon grease in order to help make explosives.  Bacon won World War II.  That’s a good enough reason for me to save my grease.

Velveeta cheese?  In a crockpot?  Don’t mind if I do!

Minced bacon?  I like where this is going.

Sizzling that bacon on the stove top.  I’m an equal opportunity cooker.

  Bacon?  And cheese?  I’m a genius!

Oh yeah.  You know that bacon grease I saved?

Yeah.  I just went there.  Ultimate bacon and cheese mixture!

Now I’m not gonna lie. I am all about the sauce. You’re not saucy? Pack your bags and go home.

And this? This is the ultimate sauce. Homemade peach BBQ sauce. Top secret family recipe. Can’t let that cat out of the bag.

Mix it up! One half peach BBQ, the other half sweet baby rays. Two pronged sauce attack! And you know I marinated them for twenty four hours. You go the distance in my kitchen or you go home.

You are now staring at about three and a half pounds of meat.  Mixed it up with one half spare rib meat and the other half boneless chicken breasts.

Rev up those friers, because I could sure go for some meat!

As always, proper eye protections is mandatory when you’re cooking with Lunar. I switch to my Iron Man shades for MAXIMUM protection!

Talk about a full house.

Putting more sauce on while it’s cooking?  Now that’s just smart, and I like to cook smart.

Watching meat cook is boring.  I would rather be eating it.

Leftover bacon?  No such thing when you’re cooking with Lunar.  Candy bacon on deck!

Domino’s pizza is what I eat.  These bad boys have extra cheese on them and were made with a BBQ sauce because I am all about the sauce.

Alright.  Now that we’re through cooking?  Now we assemble.

Layer one: Pizza

Layer two: Bacon weave

Layer three: Ultimate bacon cheese mixture

Layer four: Diced sweet baby ray’s chicken and spare ribs.  I can already feel my mouth watering.

Layer five: More ultimate bacon cheese mixture.  You don’t go light on the cheese when you’re cooking with Lunar.

Layer six: Another bacon weave.  Most people would call this disgusting.  I call it delicious.

Layer seven: Can I have some more cheese, sir?

Layer eight: Diced peach BBQ spare ribs and chicken. Enough protein to get Arnold Schwarzenegger through the day.

Layer nine: Did you guess more cheese? If so, you were right!

Layer ten: Always more room for another bacon weave

Layer eleven: You get three guesses as to what this is and the first two don’t count.

Layer twelve: If I was French, I would call this final pizza layer a Coup de grâce.  However I’m American so I’ll just call it delicious.

Please excuse my flash, but this bad boy is over three inches tall and oozing cheese.

Lunar!  What does the scale say about how much this weighs?

It’s over eleven pounds!!!

This has been Cooking with Lunar.  Hoo rah!